Page 5 - The Upside - Issue 3
P. 5
GOING ANYWHERE NICE
FOR YOUR HOLIDAYS?
CONVERSATION PRACTISE FOR THE UNDER-REHEARSED
By Ruth Cockburn
I went to the hairdressers for the first time
in a year this week. It wasn’t as easy as I
expected. It took me three coffees, a little
cry and a damn good talking-to before I had
the courage to go out the door.
I checked my handbag numerous times,
singing...
Keys, wallet, tissues, face mask and phone
...to the tune of ‘Favourite Things’ from The
Sound of Music, (and I know you’ve just
tried to sing that — you’re welcome!)
I made faces at myself in the mirror for ten And just as I said, “I’ve nothing really to talk appropriate either, but I think he was
minutes as I practiced my opening line to the about. I’ve done naff all for a year.” overreacting.
stranger who would be waving a sharp pair of
scissors at my head: My hairdresser said, “Oh, I’m so glad it’s not There are no hard and fast rules. Remember
just me. There’s only so much I can say about silence doesn’t always need to be filled, and
“Well, we got through all that then!” The Great British Sewing Bee and Line of Duty.” when in doubt talk about the weather, talk
about TV, or even how you fixed the hoover.
And after I’d curtailed the stuttering, I walked And with that the ice had been broken. We felt No one is judging. Just revel in the company of
out the house to get a much-needed haircut. safe then to both either stay silent, or talk others until something mildly interesting
about rubbish, or even complain about the comes to mind.
The main reason I was nervous was not the final season of Line of Duty (I haven’t seen the
fear of a bad haircut — I’ve had plenty of those end, so no spoilers). Whilst writing this article I have had the
— but the fear of an awkward conversation. Or pleasure of talking to a few of The Upside
even worse, an awkward silence! I had visions She told me how everyone she’s seen since the readers who have assuaged my fear of the
of myself resorting to telling my hairdresser end of the restrictions has reacted in different dreaded conversation. They reminded me that
the thrilling adventure of how I fixed the ways. Some people have been worried about conversation is like riding a bike: once you
hoover, or the rollercoaster story of how I turning up, others have been super excited. learn to do it, you never quite forget. You
decluttered my jewellery box. Some froze with fear and others spouted verbal might wobble a lot and make a fool of yourself
diarrhoea until it was time to go home. She told once in a while, but no one really minds. We’re
However, my need for a haircut thankfully me how one woman cried as it was the first all on our own bikes, trying not to crash into
outweighed the fear of boring her to tears. time she’d been touched in a year. Nothing and things. So, leave the stabilisers on for a bit and
everything is normal in this new world, and that start a conversation.
On arrival, I promptly made profuse apologies is no bad thing. We’ve all experienced
for my kitchen-scissors haircut and lockdown differently. Start with a nod. A smile. Maybe not a wink, it
Poundstretcher blonde hair dye disaster, might send the wrong message. Just start
before sitting down to let my hairdresser fix my But I think the fear of change has been talking and the rest will follow.
follicle faux pas. universally shared. Even people who have
been in lockdown with their partners, or Or even start with a joke.
I had imagined that everyone there would be family, are struggling after a year of talking to
super confident and brimming with loved ones who understand their disjointed "Knock knock!" "Who's there?" "No one!
conversation. However, as I started to listen to sentences and mumblings. Pointing and THERE'S A PANDEMIC ON!"
the people around me, I heard lots of grunting isn’t acceptable outside the house
stuttering, sentences being repeated and apparently. Or so my partner told me. And he If all else fails, stick with the classics.
plenty of long pauses. In fact, it felt like made sure he said it clearly to reiterate the
everyone there was having the same internal point. “Going anywhere nice on your
struggle as I was having. I realised we were all holidays?”
thinking, “What am I meant to be talking And apparently shouting “YOU! LOO ROLL,
about?” BISCUITS, BLEACH!” in the middle of ASDA isn’t