Page 5 - The Upside - Issue 3
P. 5

GOING ANYWHERE NICE





                           FOR YOUR HOLIDAYS?






                           CONVERSATION PRACTISE FOR THE UNDER-REHEARSED



                           By Ruth Cockburn









                                 I went to the hairdressers for the first time
                                 in a year this week. It wasn’t as easy as I

                                 expected. It took me three coffees, a little
                                 cry and a damn good talking-to before I had

                                 the courage to go out the door.


                                 I  checked  my  handbag  numerous  times,

                                 singing...



                                 Keys, wallet, tissues, face mask and phone


                                 ...to the tune of ‘Favourite Things’ from The

                                 Sound  of  Music,  (and  I  know  you’ve  just
                                 tried to sing that — you’re welcome!)








                           I made  faces  at myself  in  the mirror  for ten   And just as I said, “I’ve nothing really to talk   appropriate  either, but  I think  he was
                           minutes as I practiced my opening line to the      about. I’ve done naff all for a year.”              overreacting.
                           stranger who would be waving a sharp pair of
                           scissors at my head:                               My hairdresser said, “Oh, I’m so glad it’s not     There are no hard and fast rules. Remember
                                                                              just me. There’s only so much I can say about      silence doesn’t always need to be filled, and
                           “Well, we got through all that then!”              The Great British Sewing Bee and Line of Duty.”    when  in  doubt  talk about  the weather,  talk
                                                                                                                                 about TV, or even how you fixed the hoover.
                           And after I’d curtailed the stuttering, I walked   And with that the ice had been broken. We felt     No one is judging. Just revel in the company of
                           out the house to get a much-needed haircut.        safe then  to  both  either stay silent,  or talk   others  until  something  mildly  interesting
                                                                              about  rubbish,  or even  complain  about  the     comes to mind.
                           The main  reason I was nervous was not  the        final season of Line of Duty (I haven’t seen the
                           fear of a bad haircut — I’ve had plenty of those   end, so no spoilers).                              Whilst  writing  this  article  I  have  had  the
                           — but the fear of an awkward conversation. Or                                                         pleasure of  talking  to  a few of  The  Upside
                           even worse, an awkward silence! I had visions      She told me how everyone she’s seen since the      readers  who  have assuaged  my fear of  the
                           of  myself  resorting  to  telling  my  hairdresser   end of the restrictions has reacted in different   dreaded conversation. They reminded me that
                           the  thrilling  adventure  of  how  I  fixed  the   ways. Some people have been worried about          conversation  is  like  riding  a  bike:  once  you
                           hoover, or the rollercoaster story of  how  I      turning up, others have been super excited.        learn to do  it, you never  quite  forget. You
                           decluttered my jewellery box.                      Some froze with fear and others spouted verbal     might wobble a lot and make a fool of yourself
                                                                              diarrhoea until it was time to go home. She told   once in a while, but no one really minds. We’re
                           However,  my need for a haircut  thankfully        me  how  one  woman  cried  as  it  was  the  first   all on our own bikes, trying not to crash into
                           outweighed the fear of boring her to tears.        time she’d been touched in a year. Nothing and     things. So, leave the stabilisers on for a bit and
                                                                              everything is normal in this new world, and that   start a conversation.
                           On arrival, I promptly made profuse apologies      is no bad thing. We’ve all experienced
                           for   my    kitchen-scissors   haircut   and       lockdown differently.                               Start with a nod. A smile. Maybe not a wink, it
                           Poundstretcher blonde  hair  dye disaster,                                                            might  send  the wrong message. Just  start
                           before sitting down to let my hairdresser fix my    But I think the  fear  of change  has been         talking and the rest will follow.
                           follicle faux pas.                                 universally  shared.  Even  people  who  have
                                                                              been in  lockdown  with  their partners,  or       Or even start with a joke.
                           I had imagined that everyone there would be        family, are struggling after a year of talking to
                           super   confident     and    brimming     with      loved  ones  who  understand  their  disjointed    "Knock  knock!"  "Who's  there?"  "No  one!
                           conversation. However, as I started to listen to   sentences  and  mumblings.  Pointing  and          THERE'S A PANDEMIC ON!"
                           the  people around  me,  I  heard  lots of         grunting  isn’t  acceptable  outside  the  house
                           stuttering,  sentences  being  repeated  and       apparently. Or so my partner told me. And he       If all else fails, stick with the classics.
                           plenty of long  pauses.  In fact,  it felt like    made  sure  he said  it clearly  to reiterate  the
                           everyone there was having the same internal        point.                                             “Going anywhere nice on your
                           struggle as I was having. I realised we were all                                                      holidays?”
                           thinking,  “What am I meant  to be  talking        And  apparently  shouting  “YOU!  LOO  ROLL,
                           about?”                                            BISCUITS, BLEACH!” in the middle of ASDA isn’t
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